bbridge87

This is all I've been able to think about...

I got in a fight with my mom today. I'm still not exactly sure why she brought up the topics that she did, but it definitely hit me some place that didn't need to be confronted yet. She made the suggestion of tailoring my negative arguments in a way that my judges could personally relate to. She then went on to say that sometimes I need to emotionally detatch myself from my arguments because it makes me blind to what's in the round. When that happens, we begin losing more rounds. She also explained why I needed to continue winning in order for Fullerton to continue giving me scholarship money; because only winners make the big bucks. I found this to be ethically abrasive. Debate is a forum to educate people, not to flaunt privilege. More people should question their privelege. I know that even though I don't have a steady income, there are some people who just don't have the means to make it in the world. There are those without papers. There are those who are actively discriminated against for being of color, homosexual, poor, transgender, etc. I want to be in solidarity with these people who struggle with a burden I WILL NEVER HAVE TO FACE. I don't enjoy knowing that some people live under constant threat of being kicked out of their house because their parents are fighting, and I don't enjoy knowing that someone could be shipped out of this country at any given moment because they're not a citizen. And I cannot stand that there are some people who just don't care enough to at least RECOGNIZE that this is a problem, and that MAYBE if we stop demonizing people based on their sexual preferences, or what country they are from the world can be a better place. But the way I see it, when we are too concerned with being competative to make money, it just cements that divide between myself, someone with privilege and those who don't have much. I don't like that, nor will I ever live like that. I'm privileged to be writing this note right now. I wish more people will think of ways they are privileged, and question it on a daily basis.

I'm heading to Berkeley later today. I'm spending the weekend at the high school tournament, which conveniently happens to be valentine's day weekend. I've never been more excited. Hi Connie.

I'm catching what I think is the flu though. It seems to be a tradition of mine for the past 4-ish years, to get diseased around this tournament.

I want to play more guitar.

I'm pretty sure that grunge is much more than a collection of rebellious youths who wear flannel because it was/is cool, or an angry guitarist slamming more power chords with the distortion cranked up. No. That's not what I listen to. I think I've listened and read too much grunge for my own good. It's almost an obsession. Surprisingly, I am not embarrassed by my seemingly narrow focus on music.

The "in" thing seems to be the newest indie bands that no one has ever heard of. It wasn't too long ago that I first heard of bands like "Minus the Bear" and "Peter, Bjorn, and John." The 2009 Coachella line up seems to suggest that PEOPLE HAVE MOVED ON. What does this mean for me? Nothing. I can be just as indie as those kids. If I wanted to at least. I can be just as rebellious. But it doesn't interest me. The beautiful thing about grunge is that it is much more than people give it credit for. GRUNGE IS NOT "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT." It is those people who ignore the chilling lyrics of Mad Season, or the beauty of "Bed of Roses" by Screaming Trees. Those people ignore the complexities behind Mike McCready's guitar playing, Chris Cornell's amazing range, and Temple of the Dog's sincereity.

Coachella would not be around if it weren't for Pearl Jam, and their incessant proclamation: ANYONE deserves to hear their music. Grunge is not the mindless rage of Metallica. It is not the over indulgent Poison. Grunge music reflects the desire of a few people who wish to speak their minds on issue they find important. REAL issues. Layne Stayley's drug addiction (that would result in an overdose), and his plea for others to not follow down his path. Mark Arm's humorous depiction of family life for a supposed high schooler. Eddie Vedder's longing to be surfing during the evening, so he can watch the sun set on the Pacific horizon. Or maybe Andrew Wood's relentless questioning of Mr. Faded Glory. Point is there are too many parts of what I listen to, for it to be called "the same." Maybe my music sounds a bit like yours? Maybe what I listened to inspired your music? Maybe your bands opened for my bands?

"I wish I was like you, easily amused."

Tomorrow is my first day at school. I'm really looking forward to this semester. I feel like my classes are getting progressively easier, plus I need to be pulling my grades in light of last semester. I've never been more motivated. I keep thinking about what Connie told me the day we were driving towards Berkeley, and all we could see was the clock tower.

I feel like I just woke up.

Super productive today. Connie woke me up this morning to inform me that she was going to take a shower. I'm pretty sure one of the cornerstones of our relationship is announcing when we are going to do semi-normal/regular tasks. Whatever the case may be, I find comfort in small things like that.

I went running around 10, stopped at 10:20. Today only reaffirmed my belief that all debaters, no matter how in shape they are, can ALWAYS benefit from a little extra exercise. I didn't even make it to Target...I had to turn around before then. Either way, some exercise is better than none. Plus, I felt like that early morning run did more for me in terms of my sanity than it did for me physically. I've felt so refreshed today, in a way I haven't felt in over a week.

I'm finally getting my shit in order. Today I returned one of two of my overdue library books (still cutting the other one), finished a neg file, started a new file, did some cleaning, and random organization. Tomorrow I'm going running, making a doctor's appointment, finishing another file, finishing this overdue book, and go looking for money.

I've decided I need to take better care of my feet. Being flat footed doesn't exactly provide any benefits. In fact, it keeps me from running long distances, and I think has caused some ankle problems. I'm making an appointment to see about getting some orthodics. I used to wear them a long time ago, but they're a pain in the ass. This also means I will have to start.....wearing shoes. I haven't worn shoes on a regular basis since junior year of high school, so this could be an interesting change.

Berkeley is this weekend. I'm ready. I feel like Caitlin and I can be super competitive, especially after USC. Though the rounds we had there weren't big wins for us, I feel like I have learned so much in deploying our negative strategically. I'm not scared of the bar Toni set for us at the end of USC. I feel like clearing is a very strong possibility, and I am going to do everything I can to make it happen. I feel the same way about Northwestern, Districts, CEDA, and hopefully NDT. I've been thinking about everything that I have been told over the years of debating. Many of the compliments I received were taken as mere ego boosters at the time, but now I can see the pieces coming together. I remember one of the few non-lay judges in our league back in high school saying "I know you will do great things if you stick with debate." I remember Randy telling me "Your time will come, just be patient." I also remember Luis telling me that "It's your turn" after he won third speaker at the NDT. I don't see these as ego boosters. I'm trying to view where I am at right now as a culmination of seven years of reading, travelling, speaking, teaching, and now, words of wisdom. I want to make it my turn.

I love Connie. I've already told her this, but I feel it is worth repeating: she is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. I feel like there are always barriers with my friends that prevent me from going to them for advice, problems, venting, or whatever. This is not the case with her. She is there no matter what the circumstances are. She's left her friends to listen to me ramble about things that, in retrospect, turned out to be pointless. And she does so with the utmost care, and without expecting anything in return. I couldn't ask for a better girlfriend.